In some ways, sex and women have come a long way. The female orgasm and the idea that women actually like sex are definitely out in the open – at times with a vengeance!
In other ways, we’re still on a par with the Victorians, and not doing much about it.Sex and Women’s Bodies
The media doesn’t portray women’s bodies as they really are. Even hard-core sex sites and videos don’t give men a realistic idea of what women’s genitals actually look like or about how they work.
Pictures in 20-year-old editions of the Encyclopaedia Britannica are still more revealing than the average steamy video! Now that it’s safe for even the most bland women’s magazines to refer to sex and women’s body parts, fashion dictates that women remove most or all of their pubic hair.
Cosmetic surgery designed to reshape or reduce the size of women’s labia and to “tighten” their vaginas is increasingly popular – and that’s outside the sex industry. So after decades of campaigns against horrifying practices that involve cutting girls’ genitals, many women are actually choosing to go under the knife to change how their vaginas look and (at least to men) feel.
Myths about female sexuality abound in popular erotic fiction. Much of it carries on reinforcing the notion that the average woman reaches a screaming orgasm approximately 30 seconds after genital contact is made. Yes, it’s possible. But likely or common? Not!
So why do women tend to go along with this and buy romance or sex novels that perpetrate unrealistic ideas about how their bodies work during sex? Of course, we don’t really want to read a laborious 15-page description of one woman’s route to orgasm in a steamy bestseller – fast and furious is much more entertaining.
Outside fiction, though, women often don’t want to be seen as “high maintenance”. It’s enough if a man appreciates you and wants to have sex with you – even in a long-term relationship, expecting 20 to 40 minutes straight of direct manual stimulation during sex is just asking too much!
The Female Orgasm
In almost all popular media, there’s still little to contradict the idea that women typically reach orgasm through traditional “vagina meets penis” intercourse. In fact, science confirms that the vagina alone isn’t capable of producing orgasm – it just doesn’t contain the nerves that are physically needed for this. When you do come during intercourse, it’s indirect stimulation of the clitoris that’s responsible.
According to a 2005 study of 4000 women, up to one in three “seldom or never” achieve orgasm during intercourse. And plenty fake orgasms on a regular basis.
For some of the positions most likely to lead to female orgasm during intercourse, see tips on sex positions for women.
The controversial “discovery” of the now famous G-spot does raise some questions. For more, see G-spot tips for women.
Venus and Mars
Pop culture carries on reinforcing ideas such as “men want sex, women want romance” and “women are from Venus, men are from Mars”. Myths like these may have hurt men more than women, in terms of emotional fulfilment through sex. The truth is that both men and women want romance and sex, love and orgasms, intimacy and the occasional, straightforward, stress-relieving bonk!
In a relationship, good sex is sex that leaves both of you fulfilled, relaxed and wanting to do it again some time soon – no matter how you get there. It should be simple, but more often than not, it isn’t!How to Make Good Sex Happen
Most sex tips for women in relationships relate to keeping things exciting and new, and to the importance of good communication.
We’ve heard it before, but the problem is that these things aren’t easy to put into practice.Routine
It just isn’t easy to stop doing things the way you always have, whether this relates to what you eat, what time you make it to bed each night, how you spend your money or how you and your partner have sex.
Good sex – the kind you remember – is about anticipation and surprise, as much as it is about physical technique. If you and your partner only ever have sex in the same place, at the same time and using the same moves, sex can begin to feel like just a formal set of motions. If you can’t remember the last time the two of you had sex although you’re pretty certain it was less than three months ago, this is probably the stage you’re at! Sometimes, the next stage is not bothering to have sex at all, or the end of a relationship.
Breaking a long-standing routine takes initiative and sometimes a good bit of courage – whether it’s with someone you’ve been seeing for a few months or with your husband after years of marriage.
For sex tips for women interested in spicing things up in their relationships, see:
Sex and Communication
Many of us are fine about having intimate sex with our partners but terrified at the thought of actually talking to them about it. Generally though, one of the most important sex tips for women is that the more you talk to your partner about sex, the easier it gets.
See myths about female sexuality for some of the added reasons why it’s important for women to communicate honestly with their male partners.
The best approach is to talk to your partner about sex often, at times when both of you are most at ease – for example, after you’ve had a good laugh about something or after you’ve just done something together that’s physically strenuous. Just after sex isn’t the best time. It’s too difficult then to resist the temptation of doing a “post-mortem” – and focusing on every detail of what went wrong can kill your partner’s confidence and make sex seem like a test rather than an act of intimacy.
The aim of communicating with your partner about sex shouldn’t be just about perfecting physical technique so that you can both get from foreplay to orgasm in the least time possible. It’s also about learning to relax and be honest with each other, which is what leads to intimacy of the kind that can continue to grow and be satisfying.
Exercise as a Sex Tip for Women
It’s not like we want to be told yet another reason why it’s important to exercise regularly! However, studies confirm that people who exercise routinely have better sex, and more of it.
It’s not only about getting fit and lean. Rather, exercising regularly ensures that you’re less lethargic and stressed, more aware of your physical self and much more likely to be interested in having sex. Exercising is also good for your confidence, no matter what your shape or size.
Four of the best sex positions for women (and their partners) ever conjured:
The Coital Alignment Technique (CAT) has been known to save marriages, sometimes bringing female orgasm to the bedroom for the first time! This technique is a simple but very effective variation on the “man on top” position. Have your partner slide slightly forward from the usual missionary position and, with his arms cupping your shoulders, lie flat against your body so that the base of his penis naturally rubs your clitoris. Instead of furious thrusting, use gentle rocking – you push up slightly and he counters by pushing down, in a rocking kind of motion.
This is one of those low-exertion, high pay-off sex positions for women. Essentially, it’s a variation on the CAT. You both lie on the bed, or on the floor if you need more room, heads in opposite directions. Grasp each other’s hands. Scissor your legs to allow him to penetrate you. Use your hands for leverage and rock back and forth, maintaining the pressure on your clitoris. Deeper penetration can be achieved by arching your backs and moving slightly away from each other.
Girl on Top
This is a favourite sex position for women, as well as for men, partly because it can be highly erotic for the woman to take charge. For a clitoral orgasm, lean your torso forward, arch your back and keep your crotch close to the base of his penis. Try using a rocking motion. For G-spot stimulation, lean back and rest your weight on your hands while riding up and down. Being on top is great for women because it lets them control the speed and frequency of sex.
Good Old Doggy Style
As far as sex positions for women go, traditional doggy style is one of the most popular because it maximises G-spot stimulation. Some women claim to have “total body” G-spot orgasms only when they’re penetrated from behind. For others, having your partner use a vibrator for clitoral stimulation at the same time is a good idea. For men, doggy style counts as one of the most primal and erotic positions – obviously, it’s not about intimacy in the “gaze into each others’ eyes” type of way!
The G-Spot: Fact or Fiction?
Many best-selling books and magazines take the existence of the G-spot for granted. However, scientists aren’t so sure. According to scientists, the G-spot may exist, may not exist, or may exist only in some women. One theory is that the G-spot is like the female equivalent of the male prostate, but debate about this continues.
That’s not to say that stimulation to the relevant part of the vaginal wall can’t be pleasurable for women. But the G-spot as an isolated area that can cause female orgasm on its own – or that can even cause “female ejaculation” – is widely debated.
If you find your G-spot and it lives up to the hype, that’s wonderful. If not, surveys show you’re not alone!So Where Is It, Anyway?
The G-spot is an area about the size of a small coin – bigger when you’re sexually aroused – on the inside, front wall of the vagina. It’s the bit that feels rather rough, rather than smooth like the rest of the vaginal wall.
At least for some women, stroking this spot gives sexual pleasure and may lead to – or at least contribute to – orgasm. It’s important that you’re sexually aroused first though.
For other women, this type of touch just creates a feeling of needing to pee!
G-spot tips for women:Whether it’s you or your partner, stroke the area with one finger, using a repeated “come hither” motion. Don’t be too rough at first.Empty your bladder before stimulation of your G-spot, to help avoid the possible “need to pee” reaction.During intercourse, have him penetrate you from behind (doggy-style or with you standing and bent over a counter, for instance) or with your pelvis raised on a cushion. You’re much more likely to feel friction on your G-spot in these positions.See sex toys for women – you can experiment with your G-spot using toys like a vibrator.
Even if the G-spot is sometimes over-rated, experimenting with it may add an extra dimension to your enjoyment of sex. If the G-spot tips for women don’t do it for you, move on! Plenty of other areas on your body can also be erogenous zones – and you definitely don’t need to find a G-spot to have great, orgasmic sex.