There’s probably not a man alive who hasn’t at one time or another felt the embarrassment…the disappointment…the downright shame of shooting his load too early. For many men, it’s the first few tentative sexual experiences that form the pinnacle of this embarrassment – when just the mere sight of a girlfriend pulling down her panties for the first time is enough to have most of us coming like the falls. Fortunately of course, such hair-trigger ejaculation tends to quickly diminish as we overcome the initial overwhelming excitement of sex.
But what happens if premature ejaculation isn’t just an amusing rite of passage into adulthood that you can relegate to distant memory – what if it’s a frequent, on-going occurrence that seems to dominate your sex life? Well not surprisingly (and this has been verified by medical research) such a problem can really hit one’s overall confidence and self-esteem, can make sex an ordeal to be avoided rather than one of life’s greatest pleasures and can lead to a build-up of resentment and frustration that strains otherwise happy relationships.
If you’re such a sufferer of premature ejaculation, this article is intended to give you a few simple, but powerful tips and tricks to deal with the problem. Like many a self-help article, you might think that some of the suggestions here are just ‘common sense’ – but the funny thing is, it’s often not until something’s pointed expressly out to us that we consider it a valid idea. So common sense some of these ideas may well be – but applied correctly they will nevertheless prove to be very effective.
The real key to curing or treating premature ejaculation is to be consistent in your efforts in implementing the following techniques. Although you’ll come across numerous eBooks that claim to offer the secrets to almost immediate ejaculatory control – secrets that can be yours for just $49.95 – it’s all nonsense – there is unfortunately no magic cure or bullet. Numbing your ejaculatory responses by downing a bottle of wine is probably the closest thing you can get to an immediate ‘cure’– but unless you hold no fear of cirrhosis of the liver, it’s obviously not a trick you can perpetually rely upon.
Like most things, improvement will rely on practice and patience…but if you are willing to invest in these, the improvements you can expect in your ejaculatory control can be substantial.
The Root of the Problem…Biology not Psychology
The current mode of thinking is that premature ejaculation is more of a biological issue rather than a psychological one. Numerous studies in recent years have for example, indicated a strong link between low levels of the brain neurotransmitter serotonin and rapid ejaculation. And this link has been further strengthened by the well documented ejaculation delaying side effects of a certain group of anti-depressant drugs called Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI’s), which as their name suggests, work by increasing serotonin levels.
In fact, although antidepressant SSRI’s (which include the likes of Prozac) have never been officially approved or licenced as a treatment for premature ejaculation, they can be so effective that doctors often prescribe them specifically for this ‘off label’ purpose.
A study published in the Journal of Clinical Psychopharmacology in 2001found for example, that men treated daily with 20mg of the SSRI anti-depressant Paroxetine (commonly branded Seroxat or Paxil) increased the time they were able to have sex before ejaculating from 18 seconds to 170 seconds (an 890 percent improvement) over a six week period.
There is a slight problem with this treatment option though. Whilst antidepressants may well help you to delay ejaculation, they can also be the cause of a host of other negative side effects, which can include rather paradoxically, a reduced sex drive and as well as seriously lackluster erections.
What’s more, as I can tell you from first-hand experience, the effects on penile sensitivity tend to be more of the permanently numbing type, as opposed to just the ejaculation delaying type. With continued use, SSRI’s can in fact make it so difficult to ejaculate that you literally lose the will to keep going during sex; and you give up – collapsing on your partner exhausted and frustrated. In other words, along with the premature ejaculation, you might easily find that you’re also ridding yourself of any sexual pleasure.
Effective Natural Techniques…
Instead of relying on medications therefore, learning how to ‘reprogram’ your ejaculatory response through the application of the following simple techniques can often provide a more effective long-term strategy:
Improve Ejaculatory Control through Masturbation…
The problem with masturbation is that from an early age we do it with the sole intention of pleasuring ourselves – and of course, as we all quickly learn, the really fun bit is reaching orgasm. Sex therapists suggest that years of persistently masturbating will the sole purpose of experiencing the end result of orgasm may well subconsciously condition both mind and body to ejaculate as quickly as possible.
No matter how engrained this conditioning may be however, masturbating with the intention of improving your ‘staying power’ instead of masturbating purely for self-gratification should help to recondition such quick-fire responses to sexual stimulus.What to do:
When masturbating bear in mind that it takes the average women about 20 minutes of stimulation to reach orgasm. Whilst that stimulation obviously doesn’t rely solely on penile-vaginal sex (remember that thing called foreplay?) by gradually building up to that magic figure through masturbation you’ll certainly go a long way to curing any problems you may have with premature ejaculation in the bedroom.
The ‘Stop-Start’ Technique…
A good way to delay ejaculation when masturbating is to use the stop-start technique. As the name suggests, this simply involves stopping just before you reach ejaculation and waiting until the urge subsides. Once you’re confident that you’re not going to ejaculate, you can start masturbating again – with the idea of stopping and starting as many times as needed to complete the 20 minutes.
One of the really beneficial aspects of the stop-start technique is that it trains you to be entirely in tune with your arousal levels and to recognise your ‘point of no return’ i.e. the point at which ejaculation is inevitable. By learning exactly when to stop stimulating yourself to prevent ejaculation you can go a long way to controlling your ejaculations instead of having them control you.
Monitor your arousal level…
Another effective strategy is to try to ‘pace’ yourself during masturbation with the idea of limiting the number of times you need to use the stop start technique. Experts suggest that the best way to do this is to closely monitor how much stimulation you need to keep yourself at 7 on a scale of 1 – 10 of sexual arousal and then make a concerted effort of maintaining that level of arousal.
Finally, as you gradually gain more control of both your response to stimulus and your ability to recognise and stop at the point of no return, try to more effectively emulate the sensations of having sex by using a lubricant such as KY-Jelly; and also try to increase the levels of stimulus you can cope with without climaxing by increasing the intensity of your masturbation – the more realistic the sensations you experience and the more you can ‘desensitise’ yourself during masturbation, the greater will be your ability to transfer the improvements you’ve made to the bedroom.
Use the ‘Squeeze’ Technique…
The aforementioned stop-start technique can obviously be used during sex as well, but its effectiveness can diminish with excessive stimulation and arousal.
If you do find you’re getting uncontrollably aroused during sex, try using the ‘squeeze’ technique – a type of penile grip which can be as effective at subduing the ejaculatory reflex as the Vulcan Nerve Pitch is at rendering Mr Spock’s opponents unconscious.
Sex therapists say that the squeeze technique not only prevents imminent ejaculation, but used consistently over a period of weeks or months, can permanently cure many cases of premature ejaculation. One problem however, is that you’ll really need the full cooperation and assistance of your partner to effectively use it, because performing it on yourself is virtually impossible – particularly in the throes of passion.
To perform the technique correctly, get your partner to do the following just before the inevitable happens: The technique involves gripping the penis firmly with the thumb, index and forefinger of one hand. The flat of the thumb is placed just below the glans (penile head) on the underside of the penile shaft. The flat of the index and forefinger and placed on the opposite site of the penile shaft to the thumb – with the index finger placed just above the ridge of the penile head and the forefinger placed just below.
You’ll no doubt understand now why it’s so difficult to perform this grip on yourself – you’d have to twist your hand around 180 degrees to get in the right position – no small feat when you’re lying on top of your partner supporting yourself with one arm!The fingers are then pressed firmly together – clamping the penile shaft on either side – placing greatest pressure on the urethra on the underside of the shaft. This firm grip is maintained for several seconds until the urge to ejaculate fully subsides.
The process is entirely painless (unless she catches her fingernails on your little man of course), although the grip does feel as if it’s ‘gagging’ the ejaculatory reflex, which is something of a weird sensation. The pressure also causes your erection to subside somewhat, which again is a positive as it helps to temporarily inhibit arousal.
When sensation has subsided sufficiently to start having sex again, you may well also find that the head of your penis feels slightly desensitized – because of the pressure that was placed on the dorsal nerve running through the penile shaft – this does no harm and is additionally helpful for delaying ejaculation.
The above squeeze technique was developed by the pioneering sex researchers Masters and Johnson the best part of 40 years ago. It’s testament to its effectiveness that it’s still routinely recommended by sex therapists to this day. The little bit of effort required to learn and effectively implement the technique and the minor inconvenience of applying it during sex is ultimately well worth the investment.
Strengthen Your Pelvic Floor Muscles
The physical act of ejaculation is facilitated by a muscle that internally envelopes the base of the penile shaft. This muscle called the bulbocavernosus (often abbreviated to BC) muscle contracts and pulsates involuntarily at the point of ejaculation in order to force semen out of the urethra.
Many men find that by strengthening the BC muscle through what’s known as ‘Kegel’ exercises, they can in fact gain greater conscious control over when they ejaculate.
Finding the BC Muscle…
The BC Muscle forms part of the pelvic floor – the group of muscles situated between your legs, just behind your scrotum. Another muscle that forms part of the pelvic floor which you may have heard of is the pubococcygeus (PC) muscle – a muscle which often has the function of the BC muscle inaccurately attributed to it.
This common confusion between the BC and PC muscles arose because Kegel exercises were originally intended to improve pelvic floor muscle tone in women. Due to the obvious differences in female / male anatomy however, women derive benefit from Kegel exercises by focusing their efforts on the PC muscle, whilst for men it’s the BC muscle that counts!
Finding the BC muscle is simple – it’s the muscle you contract between your legs to stop urinating mid-stream. Alternatively, if you’ve got an erection, tensing the muscle will cause the head of your penis to swell and will additionally cause your penis to stand that little bit more to attention.
If you can achieve either of these things (which I’m sure you can), you can be rest assured that you did so by contracting your BC muscle.
Performing Kegel Exercises…
Exercising the BC muscle to improve the amount of voluntary control you have over its function is simply a case of repeatedly contracting (tensing) and relaxing it.
Try contracting your BC muscle for a few seconds (2 – 10 seconds depending on your experience) before relaxing each time. A simple, but effective routine is to perform 10 – 15 of these contractions per session – repeating the process 3 – 4 times at intervals throughout the day.
As you gain more strength and control over your BC muscle, you can increase the intensity of the exercise further by holding each contraction for a few seconds, and then stepping up the intensity of the contraction for a further few seconds before relaxing.
As with any type of exercise however, don’t expect to be completely proficient straight away – it can take a few weeks to build up sufficient strength in your BC muscle to comfortably perform the above.
When you’re just starting out, Kegel exercises can in fact feel like quite a physical challenge. Isolating an untrained BC muscle can be very difficult and you may well find that you’re putting in a disproportionate amount of energy into involuntarily tensing your buttocks or your abdominal muscles. You might also find that during each contraction you’re concentrating so intensely on trying to contract just the BC muscle that you find yourself holding your breath.
But if you persevere, these initial challenges soon pass and you’ll be able to concentrate your efforts solely on the BC muscle – and accordingly, you’ll be able to perform Kegel exercises with minimal mental or physical effort. In fact, once you stop contorting your facial muscles with every contraction (an unavoidable initial side effect that can lead others to think that you’re either coming or crapping in your pants) you should be able to perform Kegel’s anywhere and at any time without raising eyebrows.
Again, remember that performing Kegel exercises is part of a long term strategy for overcoming premature ejaculation. Expect it to take a couple of months to build up sufficient strength in your BC muscle to translate into real improvements over ejaculatory control. But you’ll thank yourself for going to the effort – in addition to helping you to delay ejaculation, you’ll also find that Kegel exercises also increase the intensity of your orgasms and give you harder erections to boot. In fact, performed consistently, no other exercise can give you such total mastery over your sexual function.
All the above techniques, although extremely effective will take time to master; and you should see them as forming a long-term strategy for permanently curing premature ejaculation. However, there are also many techniques you can employ straight away to improve your performance:
Remove the pressure to perform…
Believe it or not, it’s not a myth that anxiety contributes to premature ejaculation. The sympathetic nervous system, which controls the body’s ‘fight or flight’ response and which produces the associated involuntary physical changes such as increased breathing and pulse rate and dilated pupils in response to stressful situations – also plays a key role in ejaculation. And as a result, the more stressed you are, the quicker you’re likely to ejaculate.
You can remove a great deal of the performance anxiety that can result in premature ejaculation by simply stimulating your partner to orgasm before you even climb on top. Take your other half to the pinnacle of sexual ecstasy during foreplay with skilful use of your fingers and tongue, and hey presto…a lot of the pressure on you to perform is instantly removed.
Ease off the vigorous thrusting…
Vigorous thrusting is certainly a one way ticket to ejaculating too quickly, but it’s not necessarily a prerequisite to giving pleasure to the fairer sex.
In order to minimise penile stimulation during sex, try altering or varying your technique by placing more emphasis on rubbing your pubic bone against her clitoris. This works well in the missionary position and even more so with her on top – where she can move more in a backwards / forwards motion rather than up and down whilst you’re fully inside her – a technique that’ll have her groaning in pleasure whilst at the same time giving you an opportunity to come off the boil.
Refocus your attentions…
Naturally, if you’re concerned about ejaculating too quickly, you’re likely to focus most of your attentions on your desire not to ejaculate during sex. Alas, this natural instinct is entirely counterproductive.
Not only does such a preoccupation increase your anxiety levels (higher levels of which, as mentioned above, are inextricably linked to premature ejaculation) but it’ll also prompts the neurotransmitters that are involved in orgasm into action. The net effect is, regardless of whether you’re thinking about reaching orgasm or thinking about delaying orgasm…you’re likely to ejaculate.
Some experts recommend losing yourself in totally non-sex related thoughts during your love-making, such as calculating Pi to infinity or pondering over the meaning of life and the universe. But quite frankly, not only does that take your mind off sex, it’s likely to take the pleasure out of it as well.
A similar, but more pleasurable strategy is to refocus your attentions away from your body and onto your partner’s. Pleasuring in the movement of her breasts, the sensual touch of her silky smooth legs or the orgasmic look in her eyes…whatever, can help you to enjoy the experience of sex as a whole instead of just obsessively focusing on the end result.
Anyone for seconds?
If all else fails and you unavoidably ejaculate too early, don’t just roll over defeated – continue pleasuring your partner until you’re ready to go again. Yes, as blokes, we do have an overwhelming urge to slip blissfully into a coma straight after sex – but it is an urge you can fight, and the fact is, you’re likely to last a great deal longer the second time around. So brush off your first ejaculation as the starter…and tell her to get ready for the main course.
Curing Premature Ejaculation – Summary of Key Points:
So there you have it, a totally natural approach to curing premature ejaculation that takes nothing more than patience and commitment:
One of the keys to success with this approach is to retrain your responses through masturbation – focusing on lasting a good 15 – 20 minutes by learning to accurately recognise your arousal levels and learning to stop before ejaculation becomes inevitable. Using the ‘stop – start’ technique and keeping your arousal levels at around 7 out of a scale of 1 – 10 should help you to increase your staying time in this respect.
Likewise, the ‘squeeze technique’ detailed above can also be extremely effective in preventing ejaculation during sex; and when used consistently over weeks and months can also have a long term desensitising effect. The only problem is that the technique requires the help of your partner to perform and takes some practice to get right…so a steady, trusting, long term relationship is a must for it to work.
Strengthening the bulbocavernosus (BC) muscle which controls your ejaculatory response is something else however that requires nothing more than your own patience and commitment to undertake. By both strengthening this muscle and gaining conscious control over its function through Kegel exercises, you can over a period of a few months gain total voluntary control over when you ejaculate.
In combination, the above techniques provide a powerful synergistic means of permanently curing premature ejaculation. They can take several weeks to kick in, and several months more before they provide all the keys to orgasm mastery. But apart from applying local anaesthetics, taking medications or numbing your sensing with alcohol, there are no quick fix solutions. And unlike such artificial techniques, the techniques mentioned above will provide a real solution to the problem that will last a lifetime.